Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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