Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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