Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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