lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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