I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
