I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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