I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
