You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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