Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I need water and some morals
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
