Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
