i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
