I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
