Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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