man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
