I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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