i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
