Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
