this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize