I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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