My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And then he peed in my hair
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