3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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