Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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