Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
