i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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