i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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