Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we're so committed to being not committed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
