If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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