he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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