I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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