im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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