Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
