can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
