How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
