I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
