Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
