we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
