Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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