Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
