just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
