These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
