I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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