her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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