Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
