he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
