Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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