if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
