Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
