atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
