There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
