She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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