So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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