look no pants
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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