i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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